About this site

This is website about narcissism and narcissistic abuse.

These are two bizarre, and sometimes terrifying subjects. Strongly connected of course, and both very much not understood by the majority of people, unfortunately including Law Enforcement and Justice.

So these subjects need attention. And I thought it would be a good idea to combine them, as they are so closely related. It also 6LMB43145123-02gives us a chance to look at the abuse subject from two perspectives, the abused and the abuser, hopefully getting more insight in how things can lead to
such energie draining, hurtful, destructive, violent or even lethal relationships.

Because one thing is for sure. Like some other websites and specialists, I do believe that there are only losers in this game. But opposed to one of them, I believe that both parties are human.

You can navigate through this site using the menu in the upper right corner. In spite of the subject, I say: enjoy !


Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD Awareness ribbons
C-PTSD and BPD Awareness

Client Statements

No one on earth would have put it as well as you did. You’re brilliant. Thank you so much for your time and advice. You helped me and you don’t even know me. I really appreciate it. Thank you!!! Ganesha blesses you 🙂

Janhavi, Mumbai, India

Once again, thank you for all your insight. It is super valuable. Once again, I’m just trying to wrap my brain around some of this stuff and it’s hard when you don’t come from a place even remotely like that in your own heart and mind. I have a lot of respect for the fact that you are attempting  to make such great a change to figure things out for yourself and share those insights with others. It’s been tremendously helpful. It is as if you speak a language that no one else knows how to speak but when one is desperate  for  interpretation there is valuable insight to be given. Thank you.

M.B. Athens, Georgia, USA (name undisclosed for privacy reasons)

***

“You’ve given me the so unique insight to the situation, clearly I wasn’t able to see 
by myself and I’m sure it would have taken hundreds of hours of therapy sessions and multiple therapists and still don’t know if I would get the same result. “

Kyung, California, USA.

***

“Ruud has helped me so much. He predicted the next step of my ex idiot narcissist and explained everything to me and let me vent and has replied and has had patience because my anxiety has taken a toll on me so he has helped primarily and never judged my ignorance :)) total eclipse this man :)”

Kimmy, undisclosed for privacy reasons, USA.

***

I am a survivor of 21 years of narcissistic abuse and had been abruptly “discarded” I was in shock and as is typical of the discard phase I had questions and no chance of receiving closure of any kind it was maddening and painful beyond my ability to describe the last place I would have thought to find some peace would be talking with a narcissist . but that’s what happened something about hearing the words my N will never say gave me a measure of relief and closure. Ruud was real about the disorder and didn’t dodge hard questions and that made the insanity easier to bear and most importantly I hurt less in a way that really mattered.

Kress Haynes, USA

***

24 thoughts on “About this site

  1. A couple of points I would like to run by you for discussion. Maybe will help if posted on your FAQ. But you would want to vet them out first.

    A great way to tell if someone is truly an NPD is not just whether they have empathy. But rather if the other person refuses to be what the NPD demands or expects then they cut them off, and will even attack them. There is no middle ground.

    The reason a NPD has virtually no cure is because their worth was externalized as a child to their performance, not their self as a person. As an adult their coping mechanism creates a great skill that usually performs well in the workplace. Once they succeed they make money and they have credentials that will not be taken away. They measure everyone and everything against their individual externalized achievement. Same with a pedophile except their worth is externalized to the next child they choose to focus on and have an experience. (It is suspected that they are trying to reconnect with their own innocence before being abused). Both, however, will not truly hit rock bottom. Therefore, they see no need to change and others are just simply wrong and don’t understand. There is always another dollar and/or another child. The alcoholic for example, will crash. Once they lose money, family, and have no one to lie to or manipulate they have to face their self. Also, the chemical can be removed if they dry out. The alcoholic can live two lives. The NPD and pedophile are believed to have a hard wire switch in their brain that is almost impossible to rewire, to do so requires them to crash. But they don’t crash. This happened when someone (an abusive adult) demanded performance from them, not accepting the individual as a person.

    To me we are all abnormal. Our brain is wired to mislead us simply from the Instinctive Mind maturing functionally at birth, and the Conscious Mind awareness not maturing until years later. What gets stored triggers emotions that have to be reasoned with and corrected (perception changed) or one will be trapped in that emotion. Once trapped the emotions will manifest in relationships. The mind is hard wired to heal. The key is for the person to be willing.

    The person has a will and a spirit. Spirit being non-physical. The brain is physical. I believe the spirit tries to connect with the person in body but the Instinctive brain gets in the way. This blocks Conscious Mind thinking. But I believe the spirit is still there wanting to live through the person. In other words one may be born with dispositions to be an NPD but it isn’t a trait of their spirit. Genetics are physical.

    These are a few observations and points. Discussion welcome.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for leaving this comment. It provides some new perspective for me to view things from, so I find it a valuable contribution. Thank you again.

      Ruud.

      Like

  2. Hoi Ruud,

    Ik kwam via LI bij je website terecht en heb je verhaal gelezen. Complimenten voor je moed om dit te delen en fijn dat je een positieve richting hebt gevonden. Veel succes met het vinden van nog meer rust en geluk.

    Groet,

    Christiaan van der Ven

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hoi Christiaan,

      Leuk van je te horen, en bedankt voor je complimenten. Ik heb hier verschrikkelijk veel plezier aan, en de rest komt zeker goed. Ben al een heel end op weg !

      Like

  3. Thanks for create and your contribution through this blog cause people like me who have entered into relationships with narcissists, need to read this.

    Understanding their behaviors and feelings is the basis for us to learn to get away from them or to be prepared if we want continue with the relationship.

    This blog contains lots of things I needed to know to explain WHY they act like they do, what they think, what they suffer…and of course is first handle information because you Ruud, are generous enough to let us know and make understand despite your suffering with this personality disorder.

    I wish you continuing writting, giving us information, and making us understand that a narcissist is a also a human, maybe we must run away, sure we must run away, but since I read you, at least, I know that the narcissist cause pain because they were hurt when child and they can`t help it, and sometimes they don´t know the pain that causes…

    Waiting for your next entrees…good luck…!! ;))
    Kind regards Ruud..

    Txus.

    Like

  4. Thanks for create and your contribution through this blog cause people like me who have entered into relationships with narcissists, need to read this.

    Understanding their behaviors and feelings is the basis for us to learn to get away from them or to be prepared if we want continue with the relationship.

    This blog contains lots of things I needed to know to explain WHY they act like they do, what they think, what they suffer…and of course is first handle information because you Ruud, are generous enough to let us know and make understand despite your suffering with this personality disorder.

    I wish you continuing writting, giving us information, and making us understand that a narcissist is a also a human, maybe we must run away, sure we must run away, but since I read you, at least, I know that the narcissist cause pain because they were hurt when child and they can`t help it, and sometimes they don´t know the pain that causes…

    Waiting for your next entrees…good luck…!! :))

    Kind regards Ruud..

    Liked by 1 person

  5. First, I want to say I love your posts and perspectives. Second, I want pick your brain and make sure I’m understanding your page “Narcissism” (when you talk about what it is not and what is not). So, narcissistic behaviors… these behaviors are used to deal with everyday life? So the behaviors are a coping mechanism?

    I got hit with a Tsunami divorce and have tried to make sense of things. Everything that I find talks about “narcissists/narcissism” but when I read I can’t see how it applies to my situation. My husband only hits 3-4 traits/characteristics depending on what book/site I read. They talk about them having no conscious which I disagree with be he does have one. But it’s like he’s shutting things off if that makes any sense. He’s turned into a completely different person. He use to to values, morals, and integrity. He loved his family and was an involved/active dad. He put his kids before all others always doing what was in their best interest. He left to an academy for 5 months. The last 3 months he detached. Everything changed. He turned cold towards me, starting lying, made me think I was crazy, said that there were problems that I never knew existed… it was like he was making things up and made me doubt my sanity. He came home and said he realized he was unhappy, was going to transfer out of state and wanted a divorce. He has given me the kids and has seen them 1 hour in the last month. I was blindsided. I never knew he had a problem with me or anything else. He has turned his back on his kids and has gone against everything he ever stood for or represented. And not just me and his kids.. but everything that makes up his entire past (friends, parents, siblings, belongings). It turns out that he started an affair around the same time he started detaching…. and is now perusing that long distance relationship and seeks to rebuild the life he had at the academy. Everyone on the outside can see that this isn’t reality… that he can’t create the life he had at the academy… that it was a extended temporary spring break.

    I’m trying to apply what I’ve interpreted (if it’s correct). So all his actions and the way he’s going about doing things… how he’s handling things (narcissistic behaviors). Those would be his coping mechanism? His way to deal with the current life’s situation to continue seeking out his end game? I’m just looking for someone elses opinion/interpretation on this (personal not professional).

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am a survivor of 21 years of narcissistic abuse and had been abruptly “discarded” I was in shock and as is typical of the discard phase I had questions and no chance of receiving closure of any kind it was maddening and painful beyond my ability to describe the last place I would have thought to find some peace would be talking with a narcissist . but that’s what happened something about hearing the words my N will never say gave me a measure of relief and closure. Ruud was real about the disorder and didn’t dodge hard questions and that made the insanity easier to bear and most importantly I hurt less in a way that really mattered.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hi Ruud,
    I wanted to leave a comment under your About Me page, but didn’t see a place for comments so I’ll comment here. I was deeply moved by your story. I don’t cry easily but it brought me to tears. I’m a narcissistic abuse survivor, but unlike a lot of other bloggers who focus on narcissism, I don’t care for the vilification of people with NPD. It’s become really out of control in my opinion. I hate what narcissists do (and I believe in No Contact and not enabling them), but I also believe there’s still a human being in there, one who felt like they had no other choice than to turn to narcissism to cope with their own abuse, usually in early childhood. I think we are all victims.
    What people forget is that NPD is a mental illness. I believe many people with this disorder can and do get well, all that’s needed is the insight and willingness to change. The problem is, the nature of NPD usually means the person doesn’t think they have a problem or doesn’t want to change. But I think there are exceptions and you sound like one of them. Because you are taking responsibility and have the motivation to want to change, I think you can heal from NPD.

    By the way, I also have BPD (borderline personality disorder) another Cluster B disorder that’s similar in some ways. It’s almost as demonized, but there are also a lot of people blogging about their BPD, and not too many with NPD blogging about it.
    My blog focuses on NPD, narcissistic abuse (my mother and my ex are both malignant narcissists and probably won’t ever change because they don’t think they have a problem), and my own BPD. Sometimes it’s hard to reconcile being a BPD and also writing for abuse survivors, but I’ve been doing it and surprisingly have gotten very little flack about it. After all, BPD (like NPD and a lot of other personality disorders) are CAUSED by abuse!
    Keep doing what you’re doing. You’re a true inspiration.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You have a pretty good understanding of the NPD. There is a person in the NPD, but they are disconnected from their self (as a child) into their performance (now) yes, because they were trying to survive their abuse. Their worth is externalized. They are not going to crash (extremely rare) so they cannot heal. There is no middle ground, they sail way past no empathy; you either are what they want you to be, or you are their enemy. No contact can be healthy for you, leverage facts only in any communication, not to win but to clarify. Any win on your part ignites their revenge factor. So no contact is healthy. The difficult part is letting go of a dream of the good you expected in your life. You can’t go back, you didn’t see it coming. So it bounces around in your head. They hide their illness until they have the authority to act on it, then it is too late. But you did learn. Love yourself more, find a healthy perspective every moment, every day. Being with an NPD can screw up your emotions and expectations. A good book is Living Successfully with Screwed Up People by Elizabeth Brown. Another is Managing Your Crazy Self! by Randy Guttenberger (me), they crazy you is your brain’s reactions – not you. Let reactions go and quickly do healthy actions. Reboot, reboot, reboot! Wish you the best.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I learned very late in life, which seems to be all too common. Thanks for the food for thought and I’ll check out the book you suggested. Changing your reactions and attitudes is just like a reboot. You have to learn new healthy habits (mindfulness).

        Like

  8. Hi, this is Anon from the Quora narcissism topic. I cannot find any other way of leaving you a message here, but now you have my email address, so maybe start communicating from there? I have read your site and some of your posts on Quora and you make some sense into this mess, so thank you already!

    You say somewhere you have been into therapy since 2010. I am curious what kind of therapy it was. While CBT works great with SZ and I can testify for that, it is impossible for treating NPD. Any suggestions? I am a bit scared and nearing the point where I would say f***k it, it’s more comfortable being like I am than taking all this vilifying information to my face and actually having to agree with it because …well, it is the truth. It has been less than a week since I started to openly talk about the possibility of being NPD and I’m already on the edge of getting back to what I usually do to keep people away from seeing me as I am.

    You say you can help. I look forward to hearing that.:)

    Like

      1. Hi Randy,

        Actually, I was asking for Ruud’s contact, who supposedly is the owner of the site and the person who invited me to contact him on Quora, on Facebook or …here. I left a comment on Quora also, but to no avail.

        The thread I was talking about was one I started as anon, because it was too revealing. I am safeguarding my anonymity still, because what I have to say about myself in this stage is not something I want to own up to yet, not in front of complete strangers.

        It all sums up to : “I’m a narc and also SZ, here is how I know. What should I do?”

        Like

  9. Ruud, thanks for being here! There is a reason why you have a half million profile views. And that reason is your self awareness and ability to articulate that awareness to people who can sit still enough to absorb and understand. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Do narcissists have incest relationships with brothers and sisters? There is a rumor that my narc husband is having an intimate relationship with his divorced narc sister when he goes to visit his mom out of state. He stays for 3 weeks at a time. and his divorced sister is living with the mom. And the rumor came from a cousin who over heard my husbands mom telling her sister my husband and his sister caused their divorce when they got caught messing around as teenagers. The sister is 3yrs older and 18 at that time. I asked my husband why his parents divorced 30 yrs ago when we met but he only said she is better off. And just recently I asked the same question because of these rumors, and he got mad and I let it go. But I did tell him I told you why my parents divorced but he didn’t seem to care. So, I’m grateful for any feed back from any and all. Thanks.

    Like

    1. Narcissists will justify any action they take.

      I encourage you to read carefully the book Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People by Elizabeth Brown.

      Randy

      Randy Guttenberger C.P.B.A. Certified Professional Behavior Analyst Ceros, Inc. http://www.cerosinc.com 281-703-6782; 281-302-6574 fax

      Like

  11. Also, he has his savings in her sons control if something happens. I just found this out also. The son looks like my husband and grams not his own dad.. Thanks

    Like

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